A Laugh A Minute

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Labels: football jokes, husband joke, Super Bowl jokes

Thoughts for the New Year

1. There are two sides to every divorce:   Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0  in college was my blood alcohol
     content.

3. I live in  my own little world but it's OK;  everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a  sweatshirt with "Guess" on
     it.  I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
     up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store:  "Buy  one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes  misery easier to live
     with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas.  I  really wanted a screamer or a
     moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the  airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes.  I've  seen too many of them get
       elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet  it  has absolutely no
        trade-in value.

12. If life deals  you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you
        tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married.  It's so great to  find  that one special person
       you want to annoy for the rest of  your  life.

14. Shopping tip:  You can get shoes  for a buck  at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody  is perfect, and therefore I  am perfect.

16. Every day I  beat my own previous record for number of
       consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my
        plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have
       "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!"   when their team is
       winning.

19. Ever notice that people who  spend money on beer, cigarettes
        and lottery tickets are  always complaining about being broke
        and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom
       door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
       peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in  bed with a
       relative.

23. Why is it  that most nudists are people you don't want to see
       naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven  unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
       Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's  been!

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my  life, I can't even get into
       my own pants.

27. How come we  choose from just two people to run for president
       and over fifty for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping."  Now I just go
       "chunky dunking."

29. I signed up  for an exercise class and was told to  wear loose
       fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I 
wouldn't have
       signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn't it be nice if  whenever we messed up our life we could
        simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
       the difference.

32.  Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and  brain cells go, but
        FAT cells live forever.

33. Why is it that our children can't  read a Bible in school, but they
        can in prison?

34. Bumper sticker of the year:  "If you can read  this, thank a
        teacher--and since it's in English,  thank a soldier."

35. Why is it OK to swear on the  Bible in court when  the Ten
       Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using
the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.
Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 

via Brian L

Labels: coffee

Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Labels: family jokes, father and son jokes, mother jokes, robot jokes

A Koala Walks into a Bar

A koala walks into bar and sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. Before the koala could take a drink, a prostitute sits next to the koala and asks him if he was interested in a good time. The koala was very interested and the two go into the bathroom and HAVE SEX. Afterwards the Koala goes out to the bar and finishes his drink and goes to leave when the prostitute stops him and asks him for her money. The koala looks puzzled and asks her what he owes her money for. Being the smart prostitute the she is, the prostitute pulls out a pocket dictionary and turns to the page with the word prostitute on it and hands it to the koala. The koala reads, "Prostitute, person who exchange sex for money." The koala laughs and flips to the page with koala on it and hands it to the prostitute. The prostitute reads, "Koala, fuzzy mammel who eats bush and leaves."

via cousin Ken

Labels: animal jokes, bar jokes, hooker jokes, koala jokes

Ole and Hans

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , 
and Pastor Hans is the minister of the Swedish Covenant         
Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into  the ground, which 
said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO
LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the  driver leans out his window 
and yells, "Leave people alone, you   Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis 
mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Hans agrees, then asks, "Do  ya tink maybe da 
sign should yust say,

Bridge out?"


via Cousin Joe

Labels: accent jokes, ethnic jokes, norwegian jokes, religious joke, swedish jokes

Labels: Bible jokes, computer jokes, Internet jokes

The Sheik and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.        As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.                After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins"...

Labels: arab jokes, hospital jokes, Scottish jokes

How do you get 25 Canadians out of a public swimming pool?

You say, “Will you Canadians please get out of the swimming pool?”

Labels: canadian joke, pool joke

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosted Flakes and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there... was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong........

Labels: husband and wife, husband joke, wife joke