A Laugh A Minute

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother,"the nuns asked earnestly. "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW." via Cousin Joe

Labels: catholic jokes, Irish jokes, milk jokes, nun jokes, whisky jokes

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again." via Cousin Joe

Labels: Jewish jokes, mother jokes, pregnancy joke, rich man jokes

*Florida* A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. *Georgia * *The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about ** *paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for * *some mathematical help.* * *He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give ** *yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"* *** *The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ** *"Everthang but my earrings."** *Louisiana* *A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."** * *When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the ** *rest of the world."** *Mississippi* *The young man from Mississippi came running into the store ** *and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your * *pickup truck from the parking lot!"* *** *B**ubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"** *** *The young man answered, ** *"I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."** *North Carolina* *A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.** *** *A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so ** *curious he turned around and went back. He asked the * *fellow what the problem was.* *** *The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."** *** *The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"** *** *The man responded, "When you break down they tell you ** *to put flares in the front and flares in the back. * *I never did understand it neither."** *Tennessee* *A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. ** *The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"* *** *The driver replied, "Bout whut?"* *Texas* *The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."* *"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "* ***** *Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,** **but y'all never heard o' nobody ** *retirin' an' movin' North.** = via Brian L

Labels: bubba jokes, florida jokes, georgia jokes, louisiana jokes, mississippi jokes, north carolina jokes, police jokes, redneck jokes, secretary jokes, southerner jokes, tennessee jokes, Texas jokes

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what she was talking about… the fridge works fine. via Brian L

Labels: beer jokes, marriage jokes, refrigerator