A Laugh A Minute

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed,

"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"

-- Via John Sweeney, and, as Harry Broertjes points out, a verbatim retelling of a Flip Wilson skit. Remember Flip Wilson? "We come not to praise your berry, but to seize it!"

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Harry says, "I'll go tell him."

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn. You'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

-- Thanks to our Florida correspondent, Harry Broertjes.