12.03.2005

 

WASP SOUNDS

The world's foremost expert on wasps and their means of communication was strolling in his local downtown area. A sign at the music store caught his eye: "Just Released! Wasps of the World and the Sounds They Make. Available now!"

The expert entered the shop and talked to the clerk behind the counter. "I am the world expert on wasp communication. I'd very much like to listen to the new record you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, sir. If you'd like to put on the headphones, I'll start the record for you."

Ten minutes later, the expert shook his head. "As I said, I am the world expert on wasp communication, but I recognized none of those sounds."

"I'm terribly sorry," said the clerk. "I just realized I was playing you the bee side."

-- This joke probably only makes sense if you bought recorded music prior to 1982. Forwarded via the spouse.

 

SUBJECT: CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH

The difference between Christmas and Chanaukah

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how we [Jews] answer!

Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts*, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

Christmas carols are beautiful... Silent Night, O Come All Ye Faithful... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

The players in the Christmas story have easy-to-pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink."

In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per.

-- Via Brian Lehrhoff. His being Jewish makes it okay for my Catholic/Episcopal ass to post it. Yeah. That's the ticket.

 

NEW BOOTS

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."

-- Via John Sweeney

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