1.13.2013
In Bed with the Old Marrieds
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
via Pam Valentine
Labels: foreplay jokes, marriage jokes, remote control jokes
11.23.2012
Oops
*While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.." He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?' I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'WHOLE WHEAT-All-Purpose, isn't it?' And thus began my life of celibacy…
Via BSL
Labels: flower jokes, marriage jokes, therapy jokes
11.13.2012
Complete and Finished
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent
linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of
the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was
the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Please explain the difference between COMPLETE
and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are
COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And,
if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY
FINISHED!"
Source: HB
Labels: dictionary, marriage jokes
9.02.2012
The Note
The wife left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
I have no idea what she was talking about… the fridge works fine.
via Brian L
Labels: beer jokes, marriage jokes, refrigerator
6.20.2012
When Love Fades
How do you know when love fades?
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen:
"What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken.
She said "Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
- via Brian L
Labels: cat jokes, marriage jokes
5.29.2012
Jenny
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
His wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
His wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
Source: John S
Labels: horse jokes, marriage jokes
10.02.2011
A Couple of Dollars for Dinner
Source: Kirk Stanphill
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
Labels: beggar jokes, fishing jokes, golf joke, marriage jokes, poverty jokes, sex jokes
1.22.2011
A Short Love Story
From my Red Barons pal, Kirk:
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
THE END
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
THE END
Labels: cheating jokes, marriage jokes, men and women, train jokes, travel jokes
2.20.2009
The Marriage Tradition
From John Sweeney, still unelected...
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
Labels: marriage jokes, weddings
8.29.2008
Cinnamon Rolls
From John Sweeney, Candidate Legislator, 46th District, Position 2
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper, my husband replied, "About 10 years."
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper, my husband replied, "About 10 years."
Labels: cooking joke, food jokes, marriage jokes
7.06.2008
Who Does What (According to the Bible)
Forwarded by Jennie Kiernan-Gustus.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No , you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replies, "I can't believe that." He grabs the family Bible and puts it in front of her. "Show me," he demands.
So she opens the New Testament and showed him where, at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No , you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replies, "I can't believe that." He grabs the family Bible and puts it in front of her. "Show me," he demands.
So she opens the New Testament and showed him where, at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS."
Labels: arguments, Bible jokes, coffee, marriage jokes
The Silent Treatment
Forwarded by Jennie Kiernan-Gustus
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
As he went to sleep, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early-morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left his note where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
As he went to sleep, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early-morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left his note where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Labels: arguments, marriage jokes, travel, waking up
Creation
You've seen this before, but it gets posted as a Jennie Kiernan-Gustus forward.
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Labels: creation joke, God, marriage jokes, men and women
Words
Yes, Jennie Kiernan-Gustus again...
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Just for the record, the premise of this joke is apparently wrong, even though it's one of those factoids everyone thinks is true.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Just for the record, the premise of this joke is apparently wrong, even though it's one of those factoids everyone thinks is true.
Labels: marriage jokes, men and women
Wife vs. Husband
More forwarded by Jennie Kiernan-Gustus
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
Labels: arguments, in-law joke, marriage jokes
Cigarettes and Tampons
More from Jennie Kiernan-Gustus
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
"My wife sent me for tampons," he answers.
She directs him to the correct aisle and turns back to the register.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
Confused, she says, "I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "Well, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
[You might recognize this guy from a milk carton.]
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
"My wife sent me for tampons," he answers.
She directs him to the correct aisle and turns back to the register.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
Confused, she says, "I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "Well, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
[You might recognize this guy from a milk carton.]
Labels: cigarette joke, feminine hygiene joke, marriage jokes, men and women
Marriage Seminar
Jennie Kiernan-Gustus strikes yet again...
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, who was saying, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, who was saying, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
Labels: counseling, marriage jokes, men and women, Pillsbury
A Woman's Revenge
Forwarded by Jennie Kiernan-Gustus
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you alway s carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you alway s carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Labels: marriage jokes, men and women, television
7.03.2008
The Sex of a Fly
Yes, and forwarder Rob Weinberg has been divorced, too.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Labels: marriage jokes, men and women
6.22.2008
Pre-Martial Counseling
Forwarded by John Sweeney
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No," says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No," says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Labels: dancing jokes, Jewish jokes, marriage jokes, sex jokes
