1.08.2011
God and The Bronx
Via Giuseppe:
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on earth. It is surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests, hills, and plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be handsome and beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Yes. Further south is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on earth. It is surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests, hills, and plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be handsome and beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Yes. Further south is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Labels: Bronx jokes, God, political jokes, St. Michael the Archangel, Washington DC jokes
8.23.2008
The Back Pew
Joe Confreda Strikes Again!
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
After several embarrassing seconds had past, a little old lady seated in the back pew, stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
After several embarrassing seconds had past, a little old lady seated in the back pew, stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
Labels: God, little old lady joke, preacher joke, religious joke
7.06.2008
Creation
You've seen this before, but it gets posted as a Jennie Kiernan-Gustus forward.
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Labels: creation joke, God, marriage jokes, men and women
7.02.2008
Men strike back!
Image included in forward; anyone recognize it?
Forwarded by Don (yes, he's divorced) Braumann
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
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Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told .
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Labels: creation joke, God, men and women, offensive jokes
9.23.2005
EXPLANATION OF LIFE
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Labels: creation joke, God, men and women
