10.28.2012
Disallowed by the IRS
The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN! I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crackheads; 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico ; and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.” Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
via Brian L.
Labels: accounting jokes, congress jokes, IRS jokes, political jokes
3.05.2012
Oil Shortage
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple
answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check
the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we
were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?
~~~
Well, there's a very simple
answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check
the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we
were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?
Source: Cousin Jack
Labels: oil jokes, political jokes
2.27.2011
George and Barack Go to the Barber
Source: Cousin Joe
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Labels: Barack Obama joke, barber joke, George W. Bush Joke, political jokes
1.08.2011
God and The Bronx
Via Giuseppe:
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on earth. It is surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests, hills, and plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be handsome and beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Yes. Further south is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's The Bronx, the most glorious place on earth. It is surrounded by rivers and an ocean, and has forests, hills, and plains. The people from The Bronx are going to be handsome and beautiful, modest, generous, compassionate, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Yes. Further south is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Labels: Bronx jokes, God, political jokes, St. Michael the Archangel, Washington DC jokes
4.05.2010
New Orleans Saints
From my pal Bruce:
For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.
On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.
This, then, firmly establishes the exact geographical position of hell.
For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.
On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.
This, then, firmly establishes the exact geographical position of hell.
Labels: football jokes, hell jokes, New Orleans Saints jokes, political jokes, Washington DC jokes, weather jokes
8.19.2008
An E-mail from the Auld Sod
Courtesy of Joe Lo Pue...
An e-mail from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
"On one side, you had a pants-wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!
"Now... on the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good-looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!
"What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies ?"
An e-mail from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
"On one side, you had a pants-wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!
"Now... on the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good-looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!
"What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies ?"
Labels: Bill Clinton jokes, Hillary Clinton jokes, Irish jokes, McCain jokes, Obama jokes, political jokes
7.19.2008
A Little Feller in East Texas
Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence." Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence." Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"
Labels: gun jokes, Obama jokes, political jokes, Texas jokes
