1.19.2012
The redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."
-- Via cousin Joe
Labels: birth jokes, nurse jokes, offensive jokes, penis jokes, quintuplet jokes, racist jokes, redneck jokes
4.03.2011
Mexican Hurricane
Via BSL:
A category 5 hurricane hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God Bless America!
A category 5 hurricane hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God Bless America!
Labels: disaster jokes, immigration jokes, Mexican jokes, offensive jokes
1.01.2011
Black Bras
Forward credit: HCB
A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.
The Chinese buys six.
He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.
The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for £75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese what he does with all these bras.
The Chinese answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for £100.00 each.
A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.
The Chinese buys six.
He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.
The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for £75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese what he does with all these bras.
The Chinese answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for £100.00 each.
Labels: bra jokes, business jokes, Chinese jokes, Jewish jokes, offensive jokes
1.30.2010
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
From cousin Ken:
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us."
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend," and "The Barbie is Canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us."
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend," and "The Barbie is Canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Labels: advertising jokes, American jokes, Australian jokes, English jokes, French jokes, German jokes, New Zealand jokes, offensive jokes, Scottish jokes, Spanish jokes, terrorism jokes
11.21.2008
A Blonde Goes to the Dry Cleaner
Surprisingly forwarded by former Republican candidate and divinity graduate whose identity will be withheld, just in case.
A blonde walks into her regular dry cleaner and drops off a blouse.
As she leaves the clerk says, "Come again," and the blonde says, "No, it's mustard this time."
A blonde walks into her regular dry cleaner and drops off a blouse.
As she leaves the clerk says, "Come again," and the blonde says, "No, it's mustard this time."
Labels: blonde jokes, offensive jokes, sex jokes
7.29.2008
Sex In The Shower
Forwarded by Don Braumann
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for the leading toiletries' firm "Brut," a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison...
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for the leading toiletries' firm "Brut," a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison...
Labels: offensive jokes, prison jokes, survey jokes
7.02.2008
Men strike back!
Image included in forward; anyone recognize it?
Forwarded by Don (yes, he's divorced) Braumann
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
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Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told .
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Labels: creation joke, God, men and women, offensive jokes
