1.30.2010
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
From cousin Ken:
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us."
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend," and "The Barbie is Canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Different Terror Threat Levels Around The World
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us."
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend," and "The Barbie is Canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Labels: advertising jokes, American jokes, Australian jokes, English jokes, French jokes, German jokes, New Zealand jokes, offensive jokes, Scottish jokes, Spanish jokes, terrorism jokes
7.29.2008
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
Don Braumann strikes again!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
(This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme:
Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans -- originally written for other products -- that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for
everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra. Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra. The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra. When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.
6. Viagra. Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra. Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra. Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra. We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
(This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme:
Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans -- originally written for other products -- that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for
everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra. Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra. The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra. When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.
6. Viagra. Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra. Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra. Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra. We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Labels: advertising jokes, meeting jokes, Viagra jokes, workplace jokes
