A Laugh A Minute

1. There are two sides to every divorce:   Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0  in college was my blood alcohol
     content.

3. I live in  my own little world but it's OK;  everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a  sweatshirt with "Guess" on
     it.  I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
     up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store:  "Buy  one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes  misery easier to live
     with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas.  I  really wanted a screamer or a
     moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the  airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes.  I've  seen too many of them get
       elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet  it  has absolutely no
        trade-in value.

12. If life deals  you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you
        tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married.  It's so great to  find  that one special person
       you want to annoy for the rest of  your  life.

14. Shopping tip:  You can get shoes  for a buck  at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody  is perfect, and therefore I  am perfect.

16. Every day I  beat my own previous record for number of
       consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my
        plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have
       "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!"   when their team is
       winning.

19. Ever notice that people who  spend money on beer, cigarettes
        and lottery tickets are  always complaining about being broke
        and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom
       door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
       peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in  bed with a
       relative.

23. Why is it  that most nudists are people you don't want to see
       naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven  unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
       Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's  been!

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my  life, I can't even get into
       my own pants.

27. How come we  choose from just two people to run for president
       and over fifty for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping."  Now I just go
       "chunky dunking."

29. I signed up  for an exercise class and was told to  wear loose
       fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I 
wouldn't have
       signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn't it be nice if  whenever we messed up our life we could
        simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
       the difference.

32.  Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and  brain cells go, but
        FAT cells live forever.

33. Why is it that our children can't  read a Bible in school, but they
        can in prison?

34. Bumper sticker of the year:  "If you can read  this, thank a
        teacher--and since it's in English,  thank a soldier."

35. Why is it OK to swear on the  Bible in court when  the Ten
       Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

# posted by Mike @ 4.1.14