A Laugh A Minute

THE LIE DETECTING ROBOT

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.

The father decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"Okay, I was at a friend's house."

"Doing what?" asks the father.

"Watching a movie, 'Toy Story.'"

The robot slaps the son.

"Okay, it was porn!" cries the son.

The father yells, "What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.





Source: John S

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"


Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."


The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"


Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."


With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in             hell, eh ?"


Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat 

Source: John S

.

A Pub in the UK


I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks...

I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"

One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"

So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.. Are you two whales from
Scotland?"

That's all I remember....


Source: John S

Labels: accent jokes, bar jokes, fat jokes, Scottish jokes, Welsh jokes

This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-It(R) notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

--

Source: Brian L.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple
answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check
the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we
were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?

Labels: oil jokes, political jokes

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked




Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours



Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for dinner?
A: They put them in the car



Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all



Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother



Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat


Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes 550SL convertible



Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."




One of life's mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.




Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!



The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER $2.00

HAMBURGER $2.25

CHEESEBURGER $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes sir, I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands REAL good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

Source: Capt. Jeff Nimmo

Labels: dirty jokes, golf joke, restaurant jokes

"Paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Source: Cousin Jack

Labels: Paraprosdokians

We must have our priorities from a good friend of the Jewish faith, this gem of the day. Gotta love Jewish humor and if you have any NYC blood in your veins, it is even funnier!

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from."

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Source: Giuseppe

The redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

-- Via cousin Joe

Labels: birth jokes, nurse jokes, offensive jokes, penis jokes, quintuplet jokes, racist jokes, redneck jokes